Pop My Cherry…Again
Although this blog title is sexually suggestive, I thought it apropo considering the arranged event planned later this evening. Oh, and lucky for all of you this entry is unrelated to my move. However, I could potentially make another stupid video regarding my evening so we’ll have to see about this as location could prove difficult.
The last 3D movie I saw was Jaws: 3D circa 1983. I could be flubbing the year as I have not consulted the glorious imdb.com database. Obviously, 3D technology has progressed swimmingly (ha ha! pun! Swimmingly AND Jaws together. It’s harmonious!). I remember shit about the plot of the movie and frankly, it’s still surprising that my Mom allowed me to see such a feature. This isn’t suggesting I was raised in some kind of Puritan household filled with Christian morality and Bible-thumping. Quite the opposite, actually. We’re a bawdy bunch that like to swear and drink. Anyway, the ‘big finish’ to Jaws: 3D was that somehow the protagonists of the film manage to blow up the evil aquatic hellspawn and thanks to the awesomely cheap theatre-provided glasses, one experiences bits of shark meat and blood coming straight at you. Good times.
So, later tonight myself and a few other pals have tentative plans for a screening of My Bloody Valentine 3D. This excites me. From the more than seventy percent positive reviews on RottenTomatoes.com, I’m looking forward to cheap gore, carnage and an overall cheese factor unobtainable in most other films. If you aren’t a fan of horror/slasher flicks then clearly this movie is not for you. Go see a movie about ice cream cones instead. I, however, am a big fan of the horror genre as they are usually just really fun and entertaining to watch. Rarely do films scare me in a real way as I’m aware of how horribly unrealistic the plots have been written. Perhaps I’d get freaked out more often if I was a scaredy-cat type person. I live alone and never get freaked out about the dark or coming home alone late at night. Just not my thing. I’m a big girl, I can handle my shit.
There is one movie I can say with certainty scared the shit out of me the first time and it’s still a bit creepy even 20 years later. The first Nightmare on Elm Street nearly made me pee my teenage pants. Sure, the part where the girl’s bloody body is flung about the room leaving splatter everywhere is a bit gross and terrifying. A bit later though is the part that still skeeves me out–dead and bloodied friend is doing a creepy death whisper from the inside of a clear plastic body bag. Said corpse is then pulled down the school hallway by an invisible hand (all the while leaving a bloody trail). Destination? The boiler room.
There are also the supremely cheesy horror movies which tend to be the most fun to watch. These movies frequently incorporate humor in non-traditional and unintentional ways. The dialogue is often poorly constructed but when you have an approximate budget of $45, you can’t spend too much on pencils. The cheesy-type slasher flicks are (like most movies in general) very formulaic and it is very easy to pick out who is going to die and in what order. Here’s brief compilation of indicators as to who is going to bite it in a horror movie…
The dumb blonde always dies. She just does. She probably deserved it.
The local (and bumbling) sheriff never lasts very long. Come on, you know he was just trying to bust those kids for drinking underage.
Any character making out, having sex or exposing genitalia will die in the first 30 minutes. Similarly, if any non-sex related nudity is on film, death is also warranted.
The bully and/or jock type in an attempt at manliness, gets chopped up by the bad guy. Don’t throw a football while holding your dick in the other hand. These guys need to pay more attention to their surroundings.
Antagonists generally die as they were (usually) assholes to the nerds. And the nerds just wanted to see boobs at summer camp. The nerd always attempts to assimilate among the popular kids and that usually involves hazing cruel prank but, in the end, the nerd lives, saves the day, and gets to bang the hot girl.
Any scene in a field, forest or basement is bound to have a considerable amount of splatter. If these people were too stupid to ‘go look’ for the bad guy, off with their heads.
Minorities, including the handicapped, always die. No excuses. If a blind, Cambodian, wheelchair-bound, transsexual, stuttering, paraplegic has been put in the script, that dude ain’t lasting but 3 minutes past the opening credits.
