Praha, Pivo, Prosim

Ok well, there have been a few interesting/fun events over the past few weeks so I’m here to share them with you.

Scavenger Hunt

Well, I’m not sure how technically correct the scavenger hunt title is but alas, that’s the name we used at the time. Essentially, it was just a fun way to get out and about on a Saturday afternoon and a reason to make multiple stops for pivo.
A few items from our lists to see/do/photograph included: a gun, a baby with a big head, a cowboy hat, a sombrero, someone holding two sausages, a cat, a mullet, bright hair, a Segway, a horse, etc.

An Impromptu Trip to a Castle

The Czech Republic has a plethora of castles everywhere. It’s pretty awesome to be able to see a castle for a day trip. Last Sunday, I visited Krivoklat. Its’ a short 60-75 minute train ride from town. Domestic train travel is really quite inexpensive and easy to navigate so off I went. The weather was quite cold & gray but it’s a castle so that makes it doable in my book.

I took the train from Hlavni Nadrazi (main station) to Beroun and transferred to a teeny funky looking train to reach Krivoklat. As is typical for most castles, Krivoklat is on a hill therefore when approaching it looks pretty awesome. The town (well, village really) is incredibly small–we’re talking population 40 or something. No, that’s an official Czech census statistic, I’m just sayin’….

There’s a short footpath from the train station to the ‘town’ and then visitors must walk up a respectable hill to reach the castle. Once at the castle there’s a main courtyard and at one end of the courtyard are a couple of Robin Hood looking dudes. There’s a table set up and they are shooting various forms of bows & arrows at targets and of course, any man, boy or child is attracted to such activity.

In no particular order I completed the following tasks: ate lunch, had a beer, walked up another hill, was a tourist, took scenic pictures, and peeked in the dungeon.

At this point I’ll mention that on the train to and from Krivoklat I was about the only person on any of the trains who did NOT have children or all the necessary child accoutrements. These people & their prams were freaking everywhere. Child overload.

Cesky Krumlov

Everyone I know has been telling me how lovely & adorable Cesky Krumlov is and how it’s a must see when in the C.R. They were right.

I hopped a train (again, cheap domestic travel–yay! 383Kc roundtrip = about 20$) on Friday afternoon headed towards Ceske Budejovice. From CB, I got on a bus to CK.

Cesky Krumlov is a really small town with a small permanent population. The summer is the peak time and from what I’ve been told many shops/places close up for the winter.

The Vltava (same river that runs through Prague) winds in and around CK thus making it even fucking cuter than it would be if it was riverless. The river makes big swooping loops and there’s a big castle that sits on a rocky hill above. I think it’s one of those places where it’s difficult to take a bad picture. There is a main square in the center with many little streets (with shops, restaurants & cafes) that surround the main square.

I arrived at about 5:30 so I found my pension which was, as the website indicated, at the ‘castle steps’. I could see the base of the tower from my window as the building is practically next door. Great location & a reasonable price. I did well!

Food….what to eat for dinner? Sorry, I just looked for a web link to the restaurant I chose and cannot find one. Booooo. A table of young & rowdy guys were next to me speaking some European tongue I’d never heard before. They were loud & obnoxious therefore, not Czech. They kept ordering tons of beer & Becherovka and I think generally being rude to the poor waiter. The waiter already had on a somewhat silly outfit so I’m sure he wasn’t pleased about their behavior. The restaurant is some kind of medieval-themed place with meat spinning around on sticks over an open fire.

I ordered an appetizer of pork ‘flitch’ and various cheeses. And yes, I ordered it because I had no idea what flitch is, was or could be. My main course was a wood-fire-grilled pork chop. A pork chop wouldn’t usually be my first choice but the Czechs go fucking apeshit for their pork so when in Rome…. Both items arrived at the same time which frankly, I really had no problem with…. I wasn’t expecting to finish everything but I was most curious about this pork flitch mystery. For those who aren’t in the know (as I am now) pork flitch is simply a cured & salted side of bacon. This particular item arrived slices with 3 kinds of cheese (I think Hermelin, something similar to Mozzarella and a mysterious third–probably Eidam). There was no way I was going to eat all that damned pork and cheese WITH my pork main meal. I’m ashamed (or is it a little proud) of what I did next…. this is a total old lady/ghetto thing to do…. I wrapped some pork, cheese and bread in napkins so that I could eat it for breakfast. Pathetic, right?

I walked around some more and went to my teeny tiny room around 9:30. On a sad note I was rather excited that not only did the room have a television but also satellite! Most of the channels were Austrian but I was able to view some programming from the following: MTV Austria, Al-Jazeera, Algeria, Morocco, France, Russia, Germany & even a religious Polish channel. Oh how I miss my DVR and cable!

So Saturday morning arrived and I promptly unwrapped my old lady pork & cheese breakfast. Lame, I know. But here I speak the truth!

The obligatory walk around the castle with requisite photo ops was in order. Additionally, a few stupid self-portraits were on the itinerary. Normally I’m not a fan of looking at photos of myself therefore taking photos of myself is even further down the list. I was feeling frisky yesterday so done and done!

Beer is king in the Czech Republic so the Eggenberg Brewery was next on the agenda. There is a basic tour (with no beer) for 100Kc or for 130Kc you can get the tour plus 2x.5L of the brew. All in all, a good deal! There’s even another tour package that includes as much as you can drink! Yet another reason why I love this country. No way in hell any American brewery would make such an offer. LAWSUIT! COMPENSATION! INJURY! DEATH! Lions and tigers and bears, oh my! I met a few cool people on the tour too; it was a nice break from the monotony of silence! Nevertheless I chose the unfiltered beer and the dark beer. Thumbs up!

Eggenberg is mainly a regional beer that a bit difficult to find in Prague. The tour guide said they do however export to Italy, Russia & I think Finland. Interesting, eh? I had a special Christmas beer that was recommended by a beer-drinking pal and he didn’t steer me wrong; it was tasty and really reasonably priced! So yes, an enjoyable venture.

Other recent stuff: Witches Day & May Day!

Witches day is April 30th…. I really don’t know the details so here are some for you. h Basically, it’s yet another reason to drink. And we did. The evening was spent at Zlute Lazne (also known as ‘the beach’). It’s an outdoor area next to the Vltava that offers sand volleyball, swimming, food, beer, and lots of other stuff. The lines were insanely long and we kept trying to find maybe some ‘secret’ areas or service lines that were shorter. We were not successful. When you stand in line for 45 minutes you tend to buy a lot of beer which makes for an interesting ‘carry’ to your area.

May Day is May 1st…. It’s also a public holiday. Unfortunately, this year it was on a Saturday. May Day is the Czech ‘Labor Day’ as well as some kind of day for lovers & romance. LIke the previous day, we decided that this is another reason to drink. ODS (one of the big political parties) offers some kind of celebration/rally/whatever at Petrin Hill on this day. As part of their ‘subsidized’ festivities one can purchase food and drink for ridiculously cheap prices. Klobasa = 10Kc and also beer was 10Kc. Yes, 10Kc. That’s bout .50 cents. And don’t forget these are half liter beers. Therefore, one usually purchases as much as he/she can carry. I love Ceska Republika!! Aside from the working aspect of the holiday, the romantic thing is actually rather cute. You must kiss your lover (or anyone I suppose) under a blooming cherry tree otherwise you’ll be ‘dry’ for the year. We never did get clarification in exactly what way this translates but use your imagination. I’ll leave you with a quote from Raising Arizona, ‘Her womb was a rocky place where my seed could find no purchase.’

I had to go there with the lame title. It’s Halloween!

It’s been a productive day thus far. Many people like to be lazy on Saturdays. I like to get shit done. That’s how I roll. Up at 730, two loads of laundry done by 9, shopping at the mall and the supermarket done by 1030. Cooked lunch and having a glass of wine by 130. Good times.

Whole roaster chickens were on sale (AKCE! One of my favorite Czech words) at Albert today so I had to buy one. Roasted chicken is one of my favorite foods and roast chicken skin? Sweet Mother of God–it’s my crack. I knew I wanted to make a chicken salad today so I threw some random things together. Here’s what I did…..

Mix olive oil, fresh lemon juice, salt, pepper, marjoram, rosemary & oregano in a bowl. Rub it all over the bird. Stuff the bird with a cut up onion and an apple. Cook your bird and baste periodically.

I like cucumber and tomatoes so I used those today. Chop to the desired size. I also had an extra onion left so I decided to use that. Since raw onion isn’t one of the greatest things to me, I sauteed it in some olive oil and salt. After the onion started to brown, I added a chopped clove of garlic and a splash of red wine.

Assemble the salad and dress with your favorite dressing. Since I’m an American living in Europe, I used Hidden Valley Ranch. Trust me, it’s a gold mine here as Ranch is unavailable. I have my Mom to thank for shipping me goodies.

Pour yourself a glass of wine and bon appetit!

Here are some random pictures for your viewing pleasure!

The above were taken at the Wine & Cheese Festival in Old Town Square. Ironically, we only saw one place that was selling a few spices and there was no wine to be found anywhere. Boo!

RelfBowl ‘09: Letna Park–Go Big or Go Home

Kutna Hora, Czech Republic

The Sedlec Ossuary–everyone knows about the bone church! Wikipedia says it’s made with 40-70k skeletons.

Wine. It’s good for you.

It’s made from fruit.

Saturday September 19

Wine has quite a history throughout the world and here in the C.R., it’s no different. Every year in the late summer/early fall there are harvest festivals. These festivals are for a specific kind of wine called burcak. It’s young wine that is also fermented. It doesn’t taste like any wine you’ve had before. It’s available in both the red and white varieties.

2pm

So, cut to last weekend I went out with a bunch of people to the local burcak festival (there were actually several all over town that weekend) at Havlickovy Sady (a city park). The even at the park was really quite cool. Aside from tons of people, there was a big main stage as well as various tents/vendors for drinks, food & miscellaneous knick-knacks. The theme of the festival was some kind of 19thC. thing. I don’t know how to describe it other than saying many people were wearing period costume. There was also even the old-fashioned giant bikes; you know the ones with the huge front wheel and the teeny back wheel. To the side of the main stage was also a performance area (we happened to be sitting to the immediate right of it) where several Cirque du Soleil-type acrobatic performers did cool stuff throughout the day.

8 or 9pm

After the events at Havlickovy Sady, we headed over to Jiriho z Podebrad. There were yet more tents with more alcohol as well as several bands playing.

10 or 11pm

Off to Riegrovy Sady beer garden. Oy, the events get hazy at this point. Good times. I can report that some random drunk passed out guy was sitting across from me and the new TEFL kids decided to fuck with him so I snapped all kinds of hilarity.

1 or 2am

Next stop a bar in Vinohrady. Wow, I’m too old to do this power drinking. Yikes. I need to go home. But not until I finish my requisite pivo!

230am

After midnight the metro stops running and the trams change routes, numbers and times. I walked home. Most excellent. It’s good for circulation. That’s what I kept telling myself……’it’s for health….it’s for health!’

The verdict?Burcak is mighty tasty stuff.

*Burcak is sold in various quantities: ,33l ,5l 1.5l or 2lAlthough it looks a bit ghetto to be carrying around a 1.5 or 2l plastic container of wine, everyone does it. It’s in the pictures. You shall see.

Friday September 25

Another Friday night at Riegrovy Sady beer garden. It was rather chilly that night at not many people were out drinking. But perhaps that’s because it’s a three day weekend. I write this at 830 on Monday morning when I would normally be getting ready for work. Woo hoo for holidays! Nobody knows what the holiday actually IS today but we don’t care; it just gives us all another day off.

After Riegrovy we went to Akropolis. This is some random club/restaurant/bar in Zizkov. I’m normally opposed to paying a cover charge but this place was a paltry 30Kc. Oh well. I bit the bullet and did it. From what I saw the place wasn’t that fantastic. Although it looked quite large and also looked to be another one of those ‘how-many-rooms-in-the-basement-of-this-building-are-there’ kind of places. We ended up there with a friend of Sean Hardy’s who is hardcore French and introduces himself as (seriously), ‘Hello I am Freddy and I am ready.’ With the super thick Frenchie accent it’s even more hilarious than it reads.

Saturday September 26

I got a text message from Natalie and Jack saying they were going to Karlstejn Castle that day. Sweet! I hadn’t been there yet so I was game.

The Round-trip train ticket is only 109Kc so why not, right? We got on the 12:41 and headed out.

Tons of people got off at the same stop and we just figured that they all had the same idea as we did for a Saturday afternoon. Karlstejn is probably the closest castle to Prague that isn’t IN Prague so it’s quite a popular day-trip. Anyway, we soon realized that all these people were going to Karlstejn because of the annual burcak festival!! Sweet! I love this fucking country. We hadn’t planned on this extra bonus event! We were stoked.

Karlstejn is a really cute little town just W/SW of the city. It’s a good 2mi. trek up the castle but it’s right up the main street of the town so it’s by no means a difficult walk. Along the sides of the road were of course burcak vendors as well as lots of local trinkets, etc. Additionally, there was this big medieval theme going on, too. The castle was built in 1348 so there were tons of people dressed in period costume, etc. From the program information we read that at 230pm there was to be the ‘royal procession’ to the castle gates and then after there would be various performances inside the castle. Oh excellent!!! We made it up the hill to the gate and waited for the procession. I’d say there were a good 150-200 people involved in the procession. There did not mess around. Once inside the castle there was music, bellydancers & faqir as well as a court jeser/juggler/comic who the kids loved. Pretty cool stuff!

Along the way we guzzled a few beers and purchased a nice huge 1.5l of red burcak. The previous week I only had the white burcak and my personal rating of the red is higher than the white. I was told burcak tastes like cider or juice and I didn’t think the white tasted like either. Both versions have an obvious smell of fermentation and both are bubbly. (Actually, bottles of the stuff can explode from the bubbles. I nearly had the remaining red I have explode all over my yellow walls last night. I avoided disaster with my ninja-like skills.) The red burcak actually DOES taste more like ‘juice’ than anything and I can understand why it’s so easy to drink massive amounts of the stuff. Danger Will Robinson, danger!

We got on the 636pm train back to Prague and I was home by 8pm. All in all a fantastic start to a three-day weekend!

Sunday September 27

Since the day before we did a spontaneous trip to Karlstejn I was feeling the urge to do more. I consulted some online resources and travel books and waffled back and forth between Melnik, Krivoklat Castle, Kutna Hora & maybe Tabor. In the end, I decided on Tabor. Tabor is a town in Southern Bohemia. I had some friends go the day before and I got the thumbs up that it was a good trip so I went by myself.

I made it to the train station at noon and bought my ticket for 241Kc. The train departed on time (as everything does in this country) and I was off. The train was a (not really) nice old Communist-era clunker. It was old and rusty and had plenty of graffiti.

Arrival in Tabor was at about 2 and I made my way into the ‘old town’ area. Although I had no map, I’m usually quite good with directions (despite my possession of a vagina) and can make my way around places fairly easily. Along the way, I made the correct judgment calls and I found the old square with no problems. The main square of Tabor is really cute. I know centuries old cities shouldn’t be referred to as ‘cute’ but I’m a female, so it fits. Around the square are cool old buildings as well as a clock tower and an old church with an even bigger tower. I hiked up the church tower for 25Kc and it has a freaking fantastic view of the town. The walk up the tower is interesting. Up old stone steps and then to rickety wooden stairs that are quite steep. The rope ‘railing’ looks questionable but it seems to work. Additionally, I’ll note that you have to bend way down and walk UNDER the giant church bell to continue to the top. Ha ha nice! My Nikon was happy once I got to the top.

Back down in town I continued to walk around for a few hours and have a few beers. I even managed to get a Wi-Fi signal at a restaurant so I started Facebooking. A girl has gotta have her priorities. For those interested, I had garlic soup (oh yeah, good stuff) and roast pork knee on toast with cheese (also yummy). The main beverage in town is Budvar (where American Budweiser gets the name) but this is the ‘original’ stuff and people get pissed if one assumes the Czech and American versions are the same. Budvar is made in Ceske Budejovice which is a bit more south than Tabor. Ask the Google.

I decided to get on the 7pm train back to Prague and I was home by 9pm. Another good day!

Monday September 28

The last day of my long weekend. Did I stay in? Nope. BBQ, baby. It was the ‘Goodbye to Summer’ BBQ so there were many men grilling the meat while we woman foraged for berries and tend the fire. Ha, no not really. But something like that.

A GREAT WEEKEND!I’m going to post a bunch of photos to Facebook rather than here. Photos can only be loaded individually here and they also need to be resized. I want to share a lot of them so it would take a lot of time on my end to do these things. A mass upload on FB is in order. Stay tuned.

First off I suppose the above is grammatically incorrect. ‘hospoda’ is Czech for pub but since the Czech language doesn’t use articles, my insertion of THE might make it just that much more retarded.

But anyway….

I’m not usually a ‘club’ kind of person. I’m all for a good drink and socializing but clubs are usually super crowded which invariably means that one ends up standing in an uncomfortable position for a long stretch of time. Additionally, I like to actually be able to speak to whomever I am with at the time and speak at a normal volume. Screaming in the ear of your friend that you have to go to the WC is just stupid. And then of course there’s the waiting in line for a drink part. This part sucks. If the club is a good one (e.g. busy), the bar will probably be 4 or 5 people deep so therein begins the seemingly endless cycle of bar, drink, bathroom, yell, dance, bar, drink, bathroom, yell, etc. For variety I suppose you could throw in an occasional drink spill or insult shouted from a stranger but the aforementioned is the general form.

Last night I went to The Cross Club. The Cross Club is in a bit of a more ‘industrial’ part of town. I don’t think it’s super desirable to live there but alas, it’s a popular place so I finally broke my cherry and and went with a posse of English teachers. (The place gets bonus points for being one tram away from my flat. Public transportation is great here but sometimes you just don’t want to wait for a transfer. Direct routes = happy)

Here’s how I’ll describe The Cross Club….. I assume that the proprietors of the club bought an old run down warehouse or building and decided to make it into a club. Then, they went to the nearest junkyard and bought all the parts to car engines they could find. On their way out of the junkyard they realized they could use a couple hundred old motherboards so they bought those too. Adding to the pile of crap, mix in a lot of pipes, rebar, moving parts and miscellaneous lights. And that’s just the decor of the downstairs bar. The music played was a random Euro metal mix. It could have been in Czech, Latvian or even Bulgarian–I have no idea. But strangely enough (or perhaps not), it actually ‘goes’ with the look of the bar. There is also a dance area and outdoor seating as well as an upstairs which has a completely different vibe. The upstairs is more chill and decorated in a completely different way. It’s much lighter in two ways–aesthetically and in tone/feeling. The music is different and it’s not densely packed like the junkyard/torture museum/art installation below.

I can happily report that a ,5L dark Kozel or Gambrinus is 28Kc. With the exchange rate presently around 18Kc/1USD, that’s a good price for a drink in a club.

The club’s webpage can’t be rolled over to English but if you check the ‘galerie’ in the toolbar on the left, you can see what the place looks like. Tell me if you think my description is accurate. I would have taken pictures myself but the display on my Nikon is busted. Boo. (The camera still works but I can’t change any of the settings nor can I have the joy of instant gratification. Boo. And this came about 2 weeks on the heels of me washing my mobile while it was still in my pants.)

New Schedule

I have a new work schedule starting this week and it’s going to be interesting. I need to put on my best teacher shoes and really manage my time this semester. God, I need more supplies too. The number of photocopies scattered around my room is embarrassing. I’m so NOT good for the environment. However, I’ll still and try to blog with regularity and I’ll post random stupid pictures of my Euro adventures.

Holla!

Per Jayne’s request I’m posting something today.

In my defense I do usually try & post weekly but I’ve had some extra stuff going on in the last few weeks. And also I should note that nothing hugely exciting has occurred therefore no interesting post. I have extra work as of late so that’s tied up my schedule a bit more. TEFL power!

As for what I’m doing right now well, I’ll spare you the details of my early morning laundry duties as somehow I seem to be washing clothes every Saturday morning. It’s kind of pathetic and nerdy but since I’m up anyway, I figure I might as well take advantage of the washing machine availability. Ah yes, the priorities of adulthood.

Last Sunday a bunch of people headed to Zlute Lazne Sorry, the page cannot be rolled over to English. But I’ll try & explain… ZL is an artificial beach on the Vltava that has sand volleyball courts, a sauna/spa area & of course the requisite klobasa and beer stands. Let me explain the photos I’ve posted.

1. While at ZL I should tell all of you that there were plenty of dudes (usually older) parading around in their Euro thongs. As an American, seeing this is very funny. Yes, it is. Anyway, there was also a man (probably 70 years old or so) who clearly LOVES the sun. This cat lives outside, I am convinced of this fact. He is about the color of a grilled klobasa. To further explain for anyone unfamiliar with what said food item looks like, imagine a walking, talking, breathing ‘burnt sienna’ Crayola crayon. It’s a very unnatural color to say the least. We decided to name him Sausage Man. I really don’t even think this picture captures his truly burnt sienna essence. It was kind of horrifying.

2. Naked Euro baby was running around for a good 20 minutes or so with his little plastic toy.

3. It’s not really a ‘beach’ as there is minimal sand but alas, people sun themselves here and generally have a jolly good time. I’ll also say people will swim in the Vltava which frankly sounds like a questionable move on their part. No, it’s not the Ganges and I wouldn’t expect to see the rotting corpses of recently deceased lepers bobbing downstream but there’s probably a fair amount of chemical runoff from somewhere. Not so sure I’d go for a swim in the mighty Vltava.

4. You’d think I asked this dude to pose this way.

5. On the way home from ZL…. There are plenty of occasions of ‘old meeting new’ in this town so here is just one of them.

Random I… what am I listening to right now? I’ll tell you. Since I’m about 5-7 minutes from Old Town Square, there’s still a fair amount of ‘tourists’ in my small neighborhood. In OTS you can hire someone to tote you around via horse and carriage. The streets here are cobblestone so whenever the horses come around I can hear the rhythmic ‘clopping’ of the hooves as they walk down the street. I like that. It’s pretty cool to be able to sit in front of an open double door in Old Town Prague and hear the horses going by.

Random II… something interesting I’m doing tomorrow. Testing for a voiceover for a documentary–a documentary about Mauritius. It’s really random how this kind of fell into my lap but the short story is that the voice of the person they hired apparently didn’t match the male voice therefore they need someone new. We’ll see how it goes. It really doesn’t even seem like it’s an audition so it might already be a done deal. Cha-ching! This would be a great little add-on to my resume. My speaking voice is usually pretty decent and/or pleasant so hopefully they’ll like me.

Random III…Dobra Mama is a brand of yogurt. It’s delicious. I found a few new flavors last week so like the nerd I am I Googled the company. There isn’t an English version of the page but there IS an official yogurt ‘family’ complete with a son and daughter. There are videos of said family that include the following scenarios….

1. Family meditation– and rather than chanting OMMMM they channel all their energy into chanting YOOOOGUURRRRRT

2. The family playing some kind of ‘memory’ game with yogurt containers

3. At some point the Dad gets pissed at the teenage daughter and calls her a stupid bitch. (Ha kidding–I don’t speak Czech so therefore I was projecting that last bit. ‘I am your father and you are a whore. By the way, eat your yogurt!’)

4. Little brother broke his arm. Boo. It’s in a sling. But nice older sister feeds him. Cue violins.

If you navigate to their site you’ll get a freebie two-fer of bad acting and Czech audio.

)

I’m doing the classic/lazy copy/paste on this because I wanted to share this here. I sent this to a friend last night and I’m passing it along to all of you (albeit with a few minor edits)….

I just experienced something that for some reason I thought you would appreciate. Sure, many people could appreciate this but I think you would be one of the few who would ‘Oh damn, this IS amazing’ with me on this one…

I just returned from Letna Park. Of course you have no idea what or where Letna Park is located….. Allow me to explain Letna Park and a bit of Prague first. Prague has been built on 7 hills. These hills aren’t vast mountains spanning across echoing valleys but they can certainly make navigation on foot a pain in the ass. In addition to these hills, the Vltava River also cuts through Prague. Two of Prague’s nicknames include The Mother of Cities and The City of a Hundred Spires. Needless to say, this is a very old and a very weathered place. Perhaps one could say that Prague is even the ‘heartbeat’ of what one would consider to be a Gothic city; we’re talking 1K years here. It’s practically everywhere you look and I love that. From the small little architectural details to the street signs and such, the age of Prague is inescapable. But the funny thing is, I don’t want to escape it; I don’t know anyone who does. Here it’s old stuff with a past. But it isn’t just age or something from a history book, it’s years and time and it’s effortlessly timeless. There are so many historic structures and so much history here, both known and unknown, it’s crazy. The darkened alleyways and cobblestone streets have so many stories and secrets to tell. I would like to hear them all.

Anyway, back to Letna Park…. Letna sits on one of the seven hills of Prague. The park is across the Vltava and directionally, it’s N/NE(ish) of the Old Town area. Letna also has a fucking great beer garden. Yes, I said beer garden. Those are fantastically useful words when used separately but when in unison, it’s as if the clouds part and God Himself is speaking to you. Jesus is your bartender now, pull up a stool.  The beer garden at Letna is hugely popular, especially on warm summer nights. That’s when the beer is the best! Sitting in Letna park at a table right by the railing overlooking Prague is just pretty damn amazing. Because of the geography and the short distance across the river, you can see so much; you can see everything and yet it isn’t enough. More is what you want. You can look left and you can look right and see the spires of centuries old buildings all while enjoying a gloriously golden Czech lager. The beer is tall and inviting and calling your name.  It’s cold and bubbly and tastes so very good. You can silently wonder to yourself who has done the same thing in that very spot on a night just like this and be humbled by it all. It’s a moment of GD perfection, if I do say so myself. And although I have been to Letna many times before, the view doesn’t get old. Ever. It’s something new everyday even if only slightly so…. it’s another day added to the calendar of this beautiful and historic place.

Tonight, I was there during twilight. You know, twilight is that that special time of day when the light is just so and everything flickers just a bit, it lends to this etherial kind of glow and mystery. The shades of blue are everywhere; and some hints of orange and red still twinkle in the streetlights below and in the reflections in the windows. I really smiled a big smile when I was taking it all in and I just know you’d have done the same. I’d equate it to one of those, ‘Damn, it’s great to be alive,’ moments.

Sometimes it’s just those silly little things that make us smile.So, I raise my beer (pivo) to you and send a big na zdravi (to your health!) across the big wide pond known as the Atlantic……until we meet again!  After reading that I pose this query: who is ready for a visit?!

And the workshops are under way…

Add bullet point #3 to my curriculum vitae. In addition to doing ‘regular’ classes for Glossa & Skrivanek, I also do some workshops with TEFL classes at The Language House. I’m fairly new at this and so far my lessons have not been structured as proper TEFL lessons. But, in my defense, I’m not teaching a foreign language to these people. I’m talking to native speakers. The goal isn’t to teach 8-10 new words and incorporate them into an activity. There is though a set list of information that I’m required to dissect and if I planned out the material as a traditional TEFL lesson, the lesson would be far longer than it needs to be. If I attempted to elicit all the necessary points, we’d be in a classroom for hours. And when there’s beer to be had, this process impedes on the consumption of said potent potable.

I gave nearly a 3 hour ‘tour’ to the new class on Monday. It really shouldn’t be called a ‘tour’ because that’s not really what it is. Yes, they follow me around and I remark about appropriate things such as banking, post offices, markets, and perhaps a bit of history. But as I’m not an official tour guide nor do I have a brain full of historical data regarding this city, the ‘tours’ aren’t really that informative. I suppose the tour is just a quick way to let new students see a bit more of the famous landmarks here in Prague and I’m happy to be the one to do that. However, being the nerd I am I still scripted out some points to cover during said tour and even carried notes. Yes, really.

The new TEFL class seems like a cool bunch. Is that a premature statement? I hate to say it but they’re probably cooler than my class. Of course, I still have my peeps from my class but the age range in our unit was more varied and, well, we also had Ian.

Let me tell you about Ian. Ian is a guy originally from Rhodesia (and he made frequent reference to himself being Rhodesian) but had been living in the UK for years. Ian also claimed to be 43 years old. I use word claimed as well, if you saw him you’d doubt said figure, too. To be kind he appeared to have lived a rough life and I know he enjoyed the bottle quite a bit. In addition to his questionable age, Ian also had 7 children. Yes, that’s certainly higher than the average bloke but if you saw this chap, you’d perhaps be surprised at the amount of sex that is required to manufacture said quantity of offspring. Oy vey. It was rumored also that Ian, in large part, came to Prague so that his ex-wives could not locate him and thus force him to pay for child support. Oh yes, what an upstanding fellow. Additionally, Ian also claimed (again, claimed) that he had a Russian doctor as a fiance. Upon hearing this I was convinced that she was a mail-order bride as no self-respecting female of the medical community would shack up with (and desire sex from) an old and hardened drunken child abandoner. Supposedly this woman also supported him financially and sent him money with frequency.

I feel I should also mention that about half-way through our course one of his baby Momma supposedly attempted suicide. (I’m not trying to make light of a failed suicide attempt but this guy frankly is/was full of shit so I say all of this with speculation as what the real truth might be….) Although this woman was his ex, he was all torn up over the news and just stopped coming to our classes. By the way, attendance is mandatory; you are required not only to be present but also create and teach real lessons to real people every day. If you can’t do those things, you ain’t gonna get yo paper. So, in the middle of his depressed state he then basically locked himself in his shitty room above a local brothel (yes, true) and apparently just festered in his own Rhodesian filth while chain smoking and accumulating empty vodka bottles that became strewn about the room. I know, I’m providing quite a romantic image of this lovely man.

In the end, Ian officially dropped out of our class and continued to fester away in his rather expensive room for a few more weeks. But Ian wasn’t going to bow out completely just yet…..Ian re-enrolled in the next TEFL class (and again, paying more money). I saw him once in the building and I can report he appeared sobert. But, I was later informed that the mysterious Russian doctor was again financing him. At some point it was rumored that during his second course he & Dr. Svetlana Boginskaya (I hope someone will get that reference) got hitched and for a second time he dropped out of the course.I suppose now Ian is just a legend; the kind of person that TEFL classes will hear about in the hallways of The Language House. Perhaps he’ll gain the status of being ‘that guy’ and providing a beacon of disappointment and failure by which all future TEFLers shall avoid whilst passing in the night.

All this said though, Ian isn’t a jerk or an asshole. I feel obligated to say I liked the guy and he was always very nice to me. However, it was quite apparent to me and everyone else that due has/had some issues and is probably also guilty of stretching the truth a bit if not being a full-blown pathological liar.But anyway, back to the new TEFL class… in Language House ‘tradition’ it’s known that the most recent TEFL class takes out the new class. But, there were only 3 people in the June class and well, the proportion of new to old would be horrible skewed. Instead, Dita & I put out a bowling & pivo invite via Facebook. It was an evening of cheap beer which in my book is always a good thing. We were at some ‘nonstop’ (an English word that Czechs like to use) place in Vrsovice. The bowling was a mere 2 lanes. Yes, a big and fancy place! Aside from not having the requisite stinky bowling shoe rental, the lanes in this place are also much shorter than the standard. The pins are also on strings. Yes, strings. They are like marionette pins just bouncing about.

At this point I’ll also mention that all the marionette dolls here kind of creep me out. I don’t get it. Their creepy little painted faces and dancing limbs are just plain wrong. I don’t want a replica Pinocchio with tiny wooden feet clopping away on the floor of my flat. Ick. No thanks. Next.

 Random pic of the week…

My parents were here last week and since my Mom loves me, she fulfilled my requests of bringing over some Frank’s Red Hot and Kraft Mac & Cheese. I’ve expounded on my love of FRH before but since it’s 100% unavailable here and I love it so, I had to have it. Thanks to airline restrictions, Mom had to split up a bottle into the ‘appropriate-sized travel containers’ therefore I received 4 small squeeze bottles of Frank’s. I don’t need the bottle to know there’s crack inside. The mac & cheese… ok yes, this stuff is delicious. I can live without it but simply because it’s also 100% unavailable here, I had to have it. Lastly, Mom brought some powder packets of Hidden Valley Ranch. Ranch is the shit. No arguing. My sister would probably even argue that there is some unknown lifeforce contained within the Ranch. All that said, here’s my dinner of chicken with FRH, Ranch and a big GD pile of Kraft Mac & Cheese. I certainly didn’t make this meal for the purposes of photography or aesthetics. I just wanted some tasty vittles.

While M&D were here, we did a day trip to Karlovy Vary. KV is a spa town in W. Bohemia. It’s quite a picturesque little town with lots of cute shops and the like. KV is also the home of Becherovka. Becherovka is pretty much the Czech national spirit. It’s described as an herbal liquor made of 30+ herbs. When I first heard this I equated Becherovka with Jagermeister which is fucking nasty. Jag is herbal so I was making a natural assumption. I was wrong. While Jag tastes like the medicine you Mom made you choke down as a kid, Becherovka tastes like Christmas. At the Becherovka museum shop, they sell the regular stuff along with Lemond (readily available here) as well as a cordial variety and something called KV 14. I had never seen the latter two nor has a friend of mine who is from KV. The KV 14 isn’t as sweet or syrupy as the regular variety and the KV 14 is also made with 10% red wine. It’s certainly more ‘alcoholic’ tasting than the standard but I will confirm it’s pretty good. Recommended serving: very chilled either straight or with orange juice.

It’s been raining like a mother bitch lately. Gorgeous day today, though. What’s a girl to do on a sunny summer day in Prague?

Me and some new TEFL peeps. p.s. Happy Birthday America now go drink a PBR!

Not much new this week in the thousand-year-old city. The city of 100 spires. The Mother of Cities. Ah yes, fucking Prague!

Work is getting ready to roll into the summer session and I only have 1 class that is ‘finished’ as of the end of the month. Apparently I’m one of the lucky ones! I’ll be working for The Language House starting next month. Doing what, you ask? Get this–I’ll be doing job assistance workshops. Nice, eh? Adding an additional employer and new experience is yet another bullet point on the old cirriculum vitae.

VISITORS!

No, these visitors aren’t from another planet. But they will be coming from a little place called The United States of America and they happen to be my parents. I will be on full tour guide patrol/duty for the next week as they are arriving tomorrow. The requisite ‘tidying up’ was completed yesterday. I am genetically predisposed to clean for visitors. I was a good child today and bought some delicious local beer and a bottle of Becherovka for when they check out the flat. Yes, I am fully prepared to imbibe!

Pretty pretty pretty…..

I snapped the following last Saturday night.

Well, it’s been a while since I blogged so this one is going to be peppered with randomness…

1. Usually, when using the metro, I stand. This isn’t because the seats are gross and dirty, this is because many times it’s just easier to get off the metro if you are in front of the door. That said, the other day I was seated just minding my own business. Then, to my left and at perfect eye level there stood a man. While this man was facing away from me, therein lies the heart of my story. Uh well, rather perhaps I should say therein lies the ’seat’ of my story.

The man in question was reading a book or a magazine (I can’t remember and it isn’t important) and perhaps he was unaware of an apparently chronic problem. You see, this man has an unfortunate condition; for the sake of definition, this is something that I’ll call ‘twitching ass syndrome.’ Due to lack of medical acumen, I could not nor cannot ascertain what said condition is actually labelled therefore and for the sake of this writing, it is TAS for short.

This guy’s ass was twitching at full speed. Both cheeks were fully engaged in said twitching activity. The alternate flexing and relaxing of the cheeks was a most interesting visual. Perhaps some could consider such movements to be a kind of silent ass symphony.

I’m not even quite sure what the expression ‘full throttle’ means but I’m going to use it when discussing the separate entity that is/was this dude’s twitching proclivity. This display of gluteal twitches went on for about 5 metro stops and that’s only because I got off the metro and went on my merry way.

All of this brings me to a series of queries…..Does this guy’s ass really twitch uncontrollably for hours at a time? Is this a real and diagnosed condition? What (if any) medical treatment can be sought in connection with such a chronic issue? Has the medical field carelessly disregarded conditions like this for the more ‘glammed up’ research of say, warts, necrotizing fasciitis and seasonal affective disorder?

One last note….before you go Googling this condition (and I already have), there is a serious lack of written material on the subject. Funny thing, I actually knew someone years ago who also had a twitching ass (yes really). However, his gluteal twitches are associated with Tourette’s. His Tourette’s manifested in strange and frequent coughing fits quickly followed by a body shake and ass twitch. Metro man was exhibiting no other obvious Tourette’s-like tics so who’s to say what was happening.

2. The closest grocery store to my flat is the Albert at Namesty Republiky. I mention this store often not because it’s absolutely amazing (it isn’t) but because I’m there too much. There are certainly better Albert branches in Prague; I just happen to live near one of the shitty ones. But, the close proximity and frequent sales are a plus so it’s all good by me.

A frequently appearing word here in Czech is AKCE. Directly translated, I’m not sure what it means but it refers to either a sale or a discount. AKCE is in big capital letters all over Albert. Albert’s sales are pretty killer.

Exhibit A…… it was one of the big AKCE promotions that Branik beer was so insanely cheap a few weeks ago. Refresher: cheap as in 3.90Kc/each. Add in an extra 3Kc for the bottle return and you have a beer for between 25 and 50 US cents. NICE!

Exhibit B……….There was also a big sale of Milka chocolate bars a few weeks ago. Czechs go batty over chocolate (and so do I), so these candy bars were snatched up in no time. Also, I’ll mention that the chocolate bars here are not the standard US size. I’m not sure how many grams each bar weighs but I’ll guess and say these babies might be 8-10 ounces. In other words, they are quite substantial. To provide some kind of reference as to how MUCH Czechs love their sweets, there was a per person/per bar limit on the Milka sale. One afternoon, I was behind a family (that although purchased separately) that bought about 60 freaking Milka bars. Um yeah, that’s a lot of chocolate.

Exhibit C………On my morning run to Albert today, I was in the bakery area and took advantage of the AKCE on some kind of breakfast pastry. I didn’t bother to read the name but I jumped at the 4.90Kc price. Anyway, I’m a sucker for beer/alcohol/wine on sale especially when it’s ‘foreign’ to my palate. All this sale stuff I buy could be complete shit but frankly, it’s ‘exotic’ to me so what the hell.

Hmmm, what’s that inside? Oh silly me, it’s chocolate. Ok, I’ll eat it. Poof! Magic! All gone!

I’m posting this pic because these little bastards are delicious. Not much more needs to be said when you have pecans in the mix. I don’t know what it’s called but I’m pretty sure there’s crack inside. *The pic looks oddly like a stock photo; it’s not. The white plate underneath just gives the illusion that this image is for an in-store demo.

Exhibit D………What else have I bought on sale, you ask? Well of course, I’ll tell you….. some locally produced wine! I’ve purchases cheap wine before, I’m not above doing so. I’m pretty far distances from being an oenophile, so I’m insulting nobody buy making poor choices in the vino department. This week the big AKCE was on wine labeled from Prague 4. F.Y.I., Prague 4 is pretty much in the heart of the city so it’s rather laughable that a bottled product is coming from somewhere in Nusle. While Tesco (and even Albert) have super SUPER cheap boxed wine for the homeless guys, this stuff was only about a half notch above that. I dropped a whopping 27Kc on a bottle of this stuff. Eh, it was fine but at least it was in a bottle.

Dramatic posing of said wine.

3. So as I type this it’s Saturday morning at 945. I’ve been up for two hours (boo!) and if I was a normal person, I’d go back to bed. Alas, this will not happen just yet. I should be in bed because I was out much later than usual last night. It’s always the nights that you don’t PLAN to stay out late that shit happens and you just do.

My friend Dita wanted to go for a beer. Cool by me; I’m always up for a good pivo. We went to Chapeau Rouge which is a bar/club here in Old Town/Prague 1. I’d heard of this place and a bunch of friends had been before, but last night I popped my Chapeau cherry. The vibe of the place is pretty cool. There’s tons of random stuff around and it’s kitschy and a bit funky. We sat at a table in the front and there is a hilarious display in the front window.

I’ll do my best at describing it…..Imagine if you will a ceramic Mary. Yeah, Mary as in, ‘I’m having a baby Joe, take my ass to Bethlehem,’ Mary. Mary is holding a tiny CD, she’s positioned in a bowl of plastic grapes which are flanked by wooden fish. Said bowl is underneath a small spinning disco ball. The bowl is situation on a turn table so yes, Mary is a turnin’. As she does her never-ending cycle of spins, it’s then you notice the plastic guns that surround the whole piece. The symbolism is quite obvious and I love it. Now of course to the Christian fundies this is all obviously very offensive and sacrelege. To the rest of us normal fucks, it’s just plain awesome.

So anyway, back to my story…. when we arrived at Chapeau, it was about 8:30. A fairly early evening out even for American standards. But, we arrived at a good time as we were able to commandeer a table and hold it all night. The place filled up relatively quickly but we had our seats. Most excellent.

Dita & I met some interesting folks during the night. First off I’ll say that Dita is Czech and since I don’t know shit about this language, we were speaking English all night. I’m not sure if it’s because people heard us speaking English but they found us more interesting and wanted to talk and practice their own English. One guy we met is a local camerman and he told us some interesting tales of his travels including one of his buddy who had a vital organ removed (no, not the normal hospital variety excision) when he was kidnapped in Peru. Yikes! This guy was nice enough and we got a free beer out of it. Free beer is my favorite kind.

Camerman dude left and then we met the interesting ones… Again, I think because they heard us speaking English is why they asked if they could roll a joint at our table. (Yes, people DO smoke in public here!) This was a trio consisting of 2 Czech guys and a Slovak girl. One of the Czech dudes (Ladislav!) lives in Ronkonkoma (Long Island) and has a Slovak stripper girlfriend. Yes, live the American dream, buddy! The other two were a couple oh and by the way, they were wearing latex. Yeah, latex. Chapeau Rouge isn’t a fetish bar. But this couple you could just TELL is really into some kinky shit. Anyway, George (latex man) was telling me how his latex is the most comfortable and breatheable (my word, not his) item of clothing he owns. That is, until the dancing and fucking happens (this time his words, not mine). So, this statement gave me the visual of him & his latex girlfriend going at it screaming dirty Czech words to each other while they bite and slap and kick their way out of sex harness/swing. Yikes.

All that said, this trio was pretty nice and friendly and the two guys spoke rather decent English. We split two joints with them and chatted away. (’Why yes, so nice of you to offer, I think I will have a toke!’) During this toke toke pass ritual, George then started telling me about some monthly ‘parties’ in Palmovka. (**Sidenote: I wrote about Palmovka in a blog a few months ago. This is an area of town that I referred to a Communist wasteland. Palmovka is NOT the pretty Prague. ) These ‘parties’ while I’m not exactly sure what goes on at these parties have regular ‘underground’ body modification sessions. George then went into detail about what kinds of body mods they do: piercings (um ok, fine sure yeah, whatever), burnings (WTF), scarrification (again WTF)…… I do not get the hardcore body mods at all. I’ve heard of scarrification but burnings? Who does that shit? But the best part? George gave me his e-mail so I can get on the ‘list’ to these parties. Check and done. Really.

4. Even though I live thousands of miles from ‘home,’ I still like to know what’s happening there. Occasionally, I’ll check the local paper and look at local party pics. I came across these while looking through pics from Taste of the Bluegrass.

Other than say The Joker, has anyone seen a grin like this before? It’s like infinity.

Seriously, WTF is up with her dress. A stupid ribbon/bow that goes right across the middle? I don’t know shit about fashion but I am positive this is shit. The guys from Project Runway would vomit cashmere over this.

And now she’s dancing. And what’s with the expression on the face of the woman in the middle. You just know the that the normal and cute friend regretted going out with those two that night. Too many bad photo ops!

5. It’s Saturday. It’s June. The sky is clear. I don’t have to work today. What am I going to do? I think it’s Brevnov Monastery this afternoon. And I’m bringing the tripod. Hotness.

And here’s a random image of my plush quarters here at Chez Andrea.

Note: this is where the magic is NOT happening

Yes, my desk is boring but this is where I spend most of my time. Imagine me sitting there now typing this.

Funny sidenote…. ok, the lowest window at the bottom behind the right door… there isn’t much visible. A while back I popped right up out of bed at 3am one night. I was wide awake. Of course I opened up my Mac and said hello the these here interwebs. Becuase my table/desk is situation just so, I can clearly see the windows of the flats across the street. In the aforementioned window I noticed a light on. And then I saw movement. I had a glimmer of hope that perhaps I could have been a bit of a voyeur that night and seen people having sex. Nope. Instead I saw something different. First, the normally closed curtains were wide open. There was a light on inside. At this point I’ll also mention that my street is one-way so it’s quite narrow and the buildings are closer than average. So, just inside the window and sitting in a chair was a man. A hot, sexy, strapping man, you ask? Ha, no. This was an old man. An old naked man. The chair was turned outward towards the street. This guy wasn’t doing anything sexual he was just sitting naked in his chair. Maybe he was smoking cigarettes or reading Newsweek. I don’t know how long he had been sitting there nor how long he continued to sit there but the curtains are now closed and the show is over.

The Beer Gods

In Czech, when a sign reads AKCE, you should follow said sign. My Czech vocabulary is limited but this is a good thing. I’ll explain why.

There is a beer God and he exists in the form of 3.90Kc per beer. Yes, we have a winner! Bargain! While the currency exchange rate fluctuates, I keep a standard 20Kc per 1USD in my head when I’m doing the conversion. So, if you include a 3Kc/bottle return rate, the beer is 7.90Kc each. That said, there is no unit of currency here smaller than 1Kc so when anything is listed as say X.90 or X.50Kc, the store (or the magic money Gods) keeps the difference. I can’t figure why stuff just isn’t listed at whole Kc units. Rounding up the amount is the only way to go. Moral of the story? A half liter of Czech-made brew for 8Kc each. See, I bought six!

Branik isn’t the best beer by any stretch. But, it’s certainly not the Czech equivalent to Milwaukee’s Best and it’s far from being as catastrophic as hexavalent chromium. (Was that reference too vague?) Alas, when the beer is practically FREE and the store wants you just to take it off their premises, you must do your duty as a human and bring the stuff home, chill it and then bask in the bubbly golden glory that is pivo.

Here’s something about the beer here that I don’t think I’ve mentioned….beer is on draft here. It’s everywhere. That’s a given. However, when the guy is pulling your beer from the tap (or tank–but I’ll cover that in a later post), he does something wonderful and magical. All the beer here (best to the worst included) is served with a thick foamy head. No, this isn’t like the head you get off a beer from a bottle and certainly not like the head you get off a US domestic draft. This is different. Other than actually seeing it for yourself, I can say the apparent difference is immediate. This famed foamy head that rests atop your beverage does not dissipate quickly nor acquiesces quietly into submission. No, this stuff lingers. Of course, the more you consume your beverage, the head will decrease but little foamy bubble rings will slowly creep down the sides of your glass as the amber hued nectar backstrokes through your digestive system, becomes incorporated and welcomed friend into your evening and more importantly, incorporates into your soul.

Flea Markets

If you haven’t been to one, go find one. Flea markets are great people watching locations as well as being hubs of activity for the dirty, the unwashed, the perverted, and for many varieties of the species known as mullet. That said, there really isn’t much difference between American flea markets and the flea market at Kolbenova. I’m calling it that because I don’t know the real name; it’s across the street from the Kolbenova metro stop so thus my assumption. I have a 90-day metro/tram pass that permits me to go anywhere and since I’m on a rather ’shoestring’ budget, I figured I’d go maximize what I can do for the least amount of money. (Plus, this allowed me to work in my new nerdy hobby of metro/tram/bus riding. Yes, I know, it sounds like an activity for an indigent individual who just wants a quick thaw from a cold and blustery winter evening.)

There is an entrance fee to the flea market at Kolbenova. Twenty Kc isn’t ridiculous but I was expecting the place to be free. First off, I’ll say that the flea market is located in/around/behind a worn-down industrial swath of buildings. Well, its basically a big parking lot behind some shithole asbestos landmines.

Upon entry, there is an immediate food and beer vendor. Nice. But then the place opens up. This dusty parking lot is huge. Vendors set up their wares either on blankets on the ground or on tables or even on the hoods of their cars. There was actually quite a lot of stuff I wasn’t expecting to see there: washing machines, refrigerators, satellite dishes, windshields and bumpers, bras, guns, and super cheap porn. I almost considered buying some cheap Eastern European amateur porn just so I could mark the stuff up 3,000% and sell it on EBay. I could make a killing. And to clarify…how cheap is ’super cheap’ porn? Well, is 20Kc cheap enough for you? That’s less than 3 of the cheapie Braniks from Albert.

Aside from the flesh and ammo peddlers, there was also a fair amount of stuff that looked like it was scavenged right from the the attic of a dead of Czech lady. In fact, I think her crusty, rotting, and partly dessicated heart still beats the heartbeat of Communism. From her Communist regime decorated home, the vendors scavenged and fought their way to plenty of Cold War era boots and helmets to make available for purchase. The most interesting thing I saw at the flea market was actually a collection of old (and rather artistic) post cards. Some had been written on and posted and some were still blank. Most had scenes of a tranquil Czechoslovakian countryside while others were from local pubs and miscellaneous points of interest. This was another mental note I made that if I bought this stuff, I could totally sell it on EBay. There is always something oddly personal and fascinating about not only reading someone else’s mail but also getting a unique perspective of history. I don’t know, maybe it could be called a written snapshot. A moment frozen in time now available for sale for only 100Kc!

Although I mentioned that the flea market is quite large (which it is), a few of these were snapped in the ‘empty’ part of the lot so it appears more bleak than reality.

Flatmate Rant

One of my flatmates is incapable of doing his dishes. I understand he is from a foreign county as am I, however, in my native language there is a little word called CLEANING. I’m fairly sure it has a linguistic counterpart in every and all parts of the world. However, somehow I think the Finnish version of this word was not taught to my flatmate. I do his dishes everyday. Not a joke. The fact that he’s a vegan is cool with me but he makes some real funky vegan food. For example… for a while he was concocting some stuff and putting it in a plastic container in the fridge. It is/was a warm yellow (I’ll call Yukon Gold potato yellow) paste-like substance but it was not potatoes. I peeled the lid back once and I couldn’t determine what the fuck it was or could possibly have been. The vegan diet eliminates any and all animal meats and animal derived products so I’m at a loss to how he prepared this stuff and/or consumed it with glee and fervor. So anyway, he (to be named later) likes to cook pasta and tofu and sauce. He does this a lot. A couple times a week, actually. But, I think something happens to him physiologically when he’s stirring the pasta in the pot as his arms are rendered useless. What? ‘That doesn’t make sense,’ is what you are thinking. Well to my expertly trained eye, I gather that the excited motions of constant stirring send his muscles into a post-stirring shock. His arms lock up and dangerous chemicals are released into his bloodstream. He is only barely able to finish the intensive process by plating his meal and leaving the dishes for the god damn dish gnome (me!) to wash. Oh glorious day! I love it when I get to wash the dishes of a grown ass man that I haven’t even seen naked.

So, I came home the other day and as per usual, there were dirty dishes to be cleaned. Oh joy. (Now wait, you might be thinking I’m some kind of neurotic germ-o-phobe or just a super anal bitch. I can certainly be bitchy but I’m by no means anal. I do, however, have (and know) the concept of what it is to live with others. I have also lived alone and I am aware that I have to do my OWN cleaning. Why? Because unless you live with your Mother, nobody else is going to do it for you. And before you tell me what an idiot I am for doing his dishes, I should tell you that the supplies in this flat at LIMITED. There isn’t enough to go around for multiple meals so if you want to use a piece of cookware or a plate, it has to be clean to use it. We ain’t go no backups, yo.) Back to my story…. I came home the other day and as per usual there were dirty dishes on the stove and in the sink. Great, awesome, fun, I love this job! My flatmate was gone but he left his creation sitting in a container (no lid) on the counter. I don’t think he did this inadvertently, he just doesn’t give a shit. The ketchup was also mysteriously out on the counter. I hadn’t used it that day and the 3rd flatmate is out of the country so by my amazing skills of deduction, I knew that HE was the guilty party. My conclusion was that this guy squeezed a big mound of generic Euro ketchup upon his vegan pasta nightmare. Dude that’s not vegan, that’s just gross. He usually uses bottled pasta sauce and he loves to keep the jars. Keep the jars everywhere, I mean. Most of Europe is recycle friendly but HE just lets these jars pile up all over. He doesn’t DO anything with them just like he doesn’t DO anything with the pile up of empty wine bottles. (Note: I finally threw the wine bottles away last week because I was tired of looking at them.) On another note, he also likes to leave out random half eaten vegetables. For example, there is a sliced lemon on a plate that has been sitting out for 3 days. But, with greater frequency there is usually either a tomato, cucumber, or a random pepper sitting out waiting for bugs to spread their diseased legs on for which to spew forth their vile offspring.

Aside from his genetic predisposition at being incapable of cleaning (maybe it’s an allergy? his body is rejecting the geographic relocation away from his Nordic homeland?), he also contributes nothing to this flat. No wait, sorry, he pays rent. Now of course I’m not expecting some kumbaya circle-of-friends dynamic and hand-holding and for us to all be the best of friends. However, it would be nice if a) he bought some fucking toilet paper b) bought some soap c) thanked me for doing A and B. Ok, I realize the buying soap might be a stretch because then that would be an admission that he knew what it was for….WASHING THE DISHES. Smart move on his part? Perhaps.

Count the jars. There are more unseen. They’re like ghosts.

Also, please note the random tomato and pepper. The pepper was only in the refrigerator because I put it there. True story.

OK, end rant.

Nerd Hobby

Going back to the random fun hobby I have of riding the metro/tram/bus….I took a journey to the SW part of town on Friday. I like to check out mapy.cz and find someplace with an old building or church and figure out the directions and go from there. Anyway, seeing this car cracked me up so ladies, if you are available, call Jaroslav!!

Food Budget

That shoestring budget I mentioned earlier? If you look for and purchase the right things here, groceries can actually be relatively inexpensive. Namely, potatoes, onions, and pork are super cheap and you can easily buy a fair amount of all three for a total less than 5USD. This is good for me as thankfully, I love some roasted potatoes and onions and well, according to Anthony Bourdain, porky goodness is just that. Tonight, I bought some random red curry paste (with the English directions conveniently covered over with a sticker), vegetables and rice. Cheap veggies and rice combinations can make your food dollar really stretch. One doesn’t have to be a coupon-cuttin’ Momma to know how to make the most of your food dollar. Ok, so I had a bag of frozen peas and frozen cauliflower. Both delicious and nutritious. The refrigerator in this flat is half-sized. Boo, I know. But, due to the size of this horribly small freezer, I was trying to maximize what little space there is by consolidating said vegetables. BRAINSTORM! ‘I’ll just marry the contents of the bags–it will save space! I’m a genius!’ Ah well, therein was my problem. Because I decided to marry the peas into the cauliflower rather than vice versa, I had a rather comical moment. And also, because the openings on the bags were both too small, this compounded the issue. Let’s just say that the sound of PLINK PLINK PLINK echoed throughout the kitchen as the little green balls from hell went everywhere. I think perhaps the top of the cabinets and the walls were the only surfaces unscathed by pea madness ‘09. These little frolicking bastards even got INSIDE the refrigerator. Jumpy little fuckers. Good times.