Praha, Pivo, Prosim

I don’t know anyone who says they don’t like movies. Well ok, I take that back, I do know someone who says he hates movies but this is also the guy who says he hates reading. And, might I add that he states this with passion. A quick word of advice: you sound really stupid when you say things like that.

So anyway, I’m a fan of horror movies. Yes, it’s true. I’m no horror film junkie nor do I claim to be an expert in the genre but I do claim that they are fun to watch. There’s really a big range of horror flicks. Under the blanket term of ‘horror,’ I can think of a few sub-genres: zombies, vampires (or any other monster of choice), post-apocalyptic, crazed killing maniacs/slasher, cannibals, aliens, infections/disease, etc. Of the above, I don’t have a favorite.

There are also the fun ‘campy’ movies that can fall into any category. The campy, cheezy ones are probably the most fun to watch and the most laughable. They’re largely unrealistic with really horrible dialogue but that’s what makes them fun. If you laugh when someone’s head gets cut off, it’s probably classifiable as camp. If you are looking for a hilarious horror movie may I recommend Killer Tongue (yes, you read that right) or Trailer Park of Terror. The plot of Killer Tongue is awesome: it has a meteor (or asteroid, I can’t remember which), drag queens, nuns, the guy who played Freddy Kreuger, and yes, in fact a killer tongue that has full conversations with it’s owner. Go watch it now.

So, aside from the fun & campy/cheezy horror films there are very few that are genuinely disturbing & scary. I suppose my problem is that when I watch these movies I ‘know’ they’re lame productions using corn syrup blood and bad prosthetics. Sometimes, a legitimately gory mindfuck of a bloodbath is good for a cold dark night. The French have been really good at mastering this subset of film lately.

Yes really, the French have produced some truly awesome horror movies in the last few years. Here are my recommendations…..

I first saw Haute Tension (High Tension) a few years ago and I really enjoyed it. The film has non-traditional female leads and well, it’s in French so it sounds pretty. Even when a psycho is chasing you through the woods with a huge saw, at least the accent is pleasing to the ear.

Calvaire (The Ordeal) was a disappointment. It’s the only one here that I give a thumbs down. The main character gets lost and is helped by a man who lives in a rural country house. Think Deliverance but in French and more fucked up.

Martyrs is, well, damn. It’s really kind of two films as the first half and the last half are quite different. Possibly the biggest mindfuck movie I’ve ever seen. Eew, damn. Creepy. Another film that goes non-traditional with female leads.

Frontiere(s) is another Deliverance-ish film. The main characters hole-up in a cute little country inn only to find the owners are well, Nazi cannibals. There’s even a lovely old French Nazi who wants to find a wife for his heir so they can continue breeding. Lovely. There’s a nice death scene that involves a slow burning/blistering of the skin. Mmm, makes me want to go to the sauna!

I really loved L’interieur (Inside). Most of the film takes place in one location and by the end of the film, said location is covered in blood. It’s very gory–maybe one of the bloodiest horror films ever. At the core, it’s a woman vs. woman fight but of course, several others get butchered along the way. Knitting needles & scissors–hooray!!

There’s still another French movie that I’ve been trying to watch but I can’t seem to locate an English-dubbed version– Ils (Them). It’s a work in progress.

Aside from the French, I’ve also seen a few Scandinavian horror flicks recently, too. Actually, I have one on pause right now!

Dead Snow is a really funny Norwegian (I think) film that surprisingly, takes place in the snow! As is the formula for any good horror movie, the main characters are conveniently deserted in the snowy mountains only to find themselves battling zombie Nazi soliders from WWII. This isn’t really a scary movie but it’s fun to watch.

Let the Right One In is technically a vampire film. It’s based on a book. The main vampire is a centuries old child. I believe this is a Swedish film. This isn’t very bloody or scary but the colors & lighting make it kind of bleak and atmospheric. You get a really strange vibe from this movie. Although from what I’ve read some key details are omitted from the film version, I enjoyed it.

Frostbitten is on pause right now in my player. Another Swedish flick but this one has vampires. And talking dogs, red pills, doctors & goth teens. So far, thumbs up. I was sold when the dogs started talking.

It’s been 10ish days since the last blog and while I don’t have anything really exciting to report I can say that I landed a 3rd job. Although none of these jobs have started yet (yawn!), at least I’ll be working soon (Monday!!!) and will begin generating an income. While not working is great, it’s just a bit boring as I have no television and funds are limited. Boo on both fronts.

MEDIA Not having a television sucks. It does. I’m a tv girl. I miss my shows. I’d even take a CSI: Miami marathon right now and David Caruso is the biggest douchebag on American television. Damn. My time away is making me crave the Horatio. WTF? When discussing my tv woes with one of my flatmates (the one that actually speaks), she told me she found a movie website. Great, awesome, sweet! Ok, of course there are about a bajillion movie websites with free streaming feeds. The problem is that most of these feeds link to Megavideo. Megavideo is fine if you don’t mind watching something for 72 minutes or less. Apparently, the higher ups at Megavideo decided 72 minutes is the magical cut-off. At that time, you can either pony up some cash and get a ‘real’ account or you can ‘wait’ 54 minutes and continue watching. Problem with waiting is that well, it’s WAITING and the stream doesn’t keep your ‘place’ so you have to wait MORE through any buffering issues. Boring. Yawn. I don’t like that option. I’m sure there’s some techie issue that could get me around this problem but I don’t know what that is so….. anyway, since finding this ‘new’ site, I’ve been a movie whore for the last 4 days. My tally is up to 10 or so and that’s just sad. That said, here’s a few movie recommendations: Dead Snow (see below), Hamlet 2, Pineapple Express, Let the Right One In, Step Brothers, Winged Creatures, 3:10 to Yuma…..

ZOMBIES I was at Marks & Spencer yesterday at Palladium and the cashier guy looked like a real-live zombie. Yes, zombie. This dude was tall & lanky, super pale with sunken and reddened eyes and goofy ears that grew away from his head. Zombie was the first thing in my head when I saw poor Jaromir. He could be a perfectly nice man; this is something I will never know. But, perhaps since I’m fresh off the Norwegian horror flick ‘Dead Snow’ (with Nazi zombies–yes, really and it was fucking awesome), I think he looks more like a zombie than an average person who doesn’t watch such cinema.

DRUGS While I was walking away from Skrivanek (one of my employers) the other day, I saw a guy examining the crack rock he had just purchased. Apparently the drug laws (or enforcement of said laws) are quite lax here so thus the crack inspection. Good times. At least he’s monitoring his purchase before he fires up. I still haven’t seen the kids shooting up in the park behind the National Museum. Sad but true. I want to have an HBO Undercover experience.

MEAT I found some Czech-style bologna the other day. Bologna is fucking delicious. Sorry vegetarians, it is. Eat it. Now. My general Czech vocabulary hasn’t improved any so I’m still kind of shopping for things at random. When I was in the deli meat section, I decided I wanted a sandwich. My American friends know good and well that I heart my sandwiches. It’s true. I cannot deny this love. Bread + meat + cheese = Awesomeness! Anyway, this bologna is delicious. It’s flecked with fat which, in my book, makes a damn fine meal. Nobody ever really wants to admit it but fat is what makes meat taste so bloody good. It’s true. Look it up.

WHEN YA GOTTA GO, YA GOTTA GO A few weeks ago on the tram we passed along a gentleman in the street helping his son with a rather intimate activity. Clearly the kid had to take a leak and rather than go use a public facility, Daddy leaned over Junior and assisted in the peeing process. Into the street grate it went. Really. While walking to the Glossa office today, I noticed the second occurrence of said pee assistance. Different parent and different kid but yep, Momma had her hands on the cocktail weenie while the golden stream flowed down into the sewers of Prague. I really had to laugh as I was assuming the first instance was just some freak thing I’d never see again but I was proven wrong today. Now, my assumption is different. Perhaps during the hot summer months the streets will be filled with parents and peeing kids. There’s already enough dog shit on the sidewalks in this town, do I now have to dance and tippie-toe thus evading the kiddie urine?

EASTER BUNNY The annual Easter Festival is all over town for nearly a month. I don’t know exactly what this entails but there are food vendors set up in several spots around town selling miscellaneous meats and pastry items as well as the obligatory Czech beer. There also seem to be lots of painted eggs and children’s toys. Good times.

OBAMA IN THE HIZZY Obama is going to be here this weekend. I admit, this is a bit exciting and I should go. I want to go. But….. standing around in one spot all day does not appeal in any way.

Upon further inspection I’m happy to report that the security detail will not be permitting ammo or explosives. Phew. I was worried for a minute. Also, please note that ’structures’ are prohibited. I love the vagueness of structure prohibition. To clarify, exactly what qualifies as a ’structure?’ Is this something I’m affixing to the cobbled walk around the speaking platform or would say an inflatable yard pool fall under the descriptor of structure? I need additional support on this otherwise I’ll have to ditch my lesson plan for a newer and streamlined one.

BOOZE Wine. Let’s talk about this. Usually, I’m not a big wine person. Not that I don’t like it because I do and it can be great. However, I typically go the route of pivo and certainly now that I’m in a beer-consuming and producing culture. That said, I did make a few purchases at Albert last week. A good portion of the wine here is inexpensie. We’re talking less than 200Kc here (10USD) and that’s if you are springing for some ‘good stuff.’ My knowledge of European wine is for shit and the Eastern European varieties are completely lost on me. So, since I was in a wine kind of mood I bought a bottle of some stuff from Bulgaria. Yeah, Bulgaria. I didn’t know that made wine either. But hell, just about every place on earth produces or bottles their own wine so the Bulgarian factor really shouldn’t be so surprising. A big 49Kc is what I paid for that stuff. Go ahead & get your currency converter. I’ll wait. Like I said…it’s um, ‘inexpensive.’ Cut to two nights later and I was back at Albert. I’m not lying when I say I found something cheaper. Yes, cheaper than 49Kc. Behold the special selection for Albert (note the store logo on the back label!)–sold for the low, low price of 39Kc. And yes, I DID drink it as is evident by the photo. At such a ridiculous price, how could I NOT consume it?

SAPA MARKET The SAPA market is in Prague 4. In my last blog I detailed my trip to the Vietnamese market in Prague 10. I have since been to the market in Praha 4. The SAPA market is huge. Fucking gigantic. We’re talking a small city here. For realz. Yet another adventure involving a metro and then a bus. Geographically, SAPA isn’t that far away but I was really channeling Bourdain on that visit. I’ve never been to Asia but holy crap, it felt like Vietnam.

The retail halls at SAPA are huge. Several buildings with criss-crossed aisles again selling tons of clothes, purses, toys, etc. There is also quite a bit more ethnic food variety at SAPA as there are several independent markets selling odd-looking items. Of the shops I visited, there was/is a rather interesting looking item behind the glass in the meat counter. It’s a big plastic bowl of various (raw) cuts of meats and organs with raw egg yolks swimming around in the multi-colored flesh. I was curious to know what the stuff is but seeing as I how I cannot communicate in Czech or Vietnamese, I didn’t bother asking. Anyone?

One of the restaurants had a guy blow-torching some kind of meat on the sidewalk. Dude was blow torching like it was a lab experiment. The whole effect looked cool & random & gritty but he didn’t want me to take a picture of him so you’ll just have to use your imagination on that one. I’m going back later; I want blow-torched food.

MANNEQUINS The random mannequin parts are all over SAPA. Unfortunately, my website provider isn’t allowing me to upload the pic of mannequin heads in a metal bin. Damn. Boo on technology. Maybe next post. 

PHOTOSHOP Here’s a bit of before & after. Original was taken in the rain on a shitty March morning.

Although this blog title is sexually suggestive, I thought it apropo considering the arranged event planned later this evening. Oh, and lucky for all of you this entry is unrelated to my move. However, I could potentially make another stupid video regarding my evening so we’ll have to see about this as location could prove difficult. 

 The last 3D movie I saw was Jaws: 3D circa 1983. I could be flubbing the year as I have not consulted the glorious imdb.com database. Obviously, 3D technology has progressed swimmingly (ha ha! pun! Swimmingly AND Jaws together. It’s harmonious!). I remember shit about the plot of the movie and frankly, it’s still surprising that my Mom allowed me to see such a feature. This isn’t suggesting I was raised in some kind of Puritan household filled with Christian morality and Bible-thumping. Quite the opposite, actually. We’re a bawdy bunch that like to swear and drink. Anyway, the ‘big finish’ to Jaws: 3D was that somehow the protagonists of the film manage to blow up the evil aquatic hellspawn and thanks to the awesomely cheap theatre-provided glasses, one experiences bits of shark meat and blood coming straight at you. Good times.

So, later tonight myself and a few other pals have tentative plans for a screening of My Bloody Valentine 3D. This excites me. From the more than seventy percent positive reviews on RottenTomatoes.com, I’m looking forward to cheap gore, carnage and an overall cheese factor unobtainable in most other films. If you aren’t a fan of horror/slasher flicks then clearly this movie is not for you. Go see a movie about ice cream cones instead. I, however, am a big fan of the horror genre as they are usually just really fun and entertaining to watch. Rarely do films scare me in a real way as I’m aware of how horribly unrealistic the plots have been written. Perhaps I’d get freaked out more often if I was a scaredy-cat type person. I live alone and never get freaked out about the dark or coming home alone late at night. Just not my thing. I’m a big girl, I can handle my shit.

There is one movie I can say with certainty scared the shit out of me the first time and it’s still a bit creepy even 20 years later. The first Nightmare on Elm Street nearly made me pee my teenage pants. Sure, the part where the girl’s bloody body is flung about the room leaving splatter everywhere is a bit gross and terrifying. A bit later though is the part that still skeeves me out–dead and bloodied friend is doing a creepy death whisper from the inside of a clear plastic body bag. Said corpse is then pulled down the school hallway by an invisible hand (all the while leaving a bloody trail). Destination? The boiler room.

There are also the supremely cheesy horror movies which tend to be the most fun to watch. These movies frequently incorporate humor in non-traditional and unintentional ways. The dialogue is often poorly constructed but when you have an approximate budget of $45, you can’t spend too much on pencils. The cheesy-type slasher flicks are (like most movies in general) very formulaic and it is very easy to pick out who is going to die and in what order. Here’s brief compilation of indicators as to who is going to bite it in a horror movie…

The dumb blonde always dies. She just does. She probably deserved it.

The local (and bumbling) sheriff never lasts very long. Come on, you know he was just trying to bust those kids for drinking underage.

Any character making out, having sex or exposing genitalia will die in the first 30 minutes. Similarly, if any non-sex related nudity is on film, death is also warranted.

The bully and/or jock type in an attempt at manliness, gets chopped up by the bad guy. Don’t throw a football while holding your dick in the other hand. These guys need to pay more attention to their surroundings. 

Antagonists generally die as they were (usually) assholes to the nerds. And the nerds just wanted to see boobs at summer camp. The nerd always attempts to assimilate among the popular kids and that usually involves hazing cruel prank but, in the end, the nerd lives, saves the day, and gets to bang the hot girl.

Any scene in a field, forest or basement is bound to have a considerable amount of splatter. If these people were too stupid to ‘go look’ for the bad guy, off with their heads.

Minorities, including the handicapped, always die. No excuses. If a blind, Cambodian, wheelchair-bound, transsexual, stuttering, paraplegic has been put in the script, that dude ain’t lasting but 3 minutes past the opening credits. 

This is completely unrelated to anything but I screencapped this a while ago and meant to upload.

This image was taken from Hulu.com. Hulu is a great site which offers freebie tv shows and movies with limited commercial interruptions. The streaming feed is usually really good so therefore, no sitting around waiting for the little clock to finish ‘buffering.’ Anyway, I was looking through their free movies and came across the above image.

Ok, first movie is Porky’s. Yep, absolutely a comedy. Lots of horny teens having sex with various goofball antics interspersed throughout. Animal House is the second on the list. Yep, another comedy for sure. Who hasn’t seen one of Belushi’s classics? Ok, third movie…. Fatal Attraction. Yeah sure, another comedy. Oh wait, what the fuck? I can’t figure out which is funnier–the part when Glenn Close’s character tries to kill herself or when the family rabbit gets boiled or when GC just goes fuckng batshit crazy on Michael Douglas for most of the movie… Hmmm, tough call.